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Chanticleer Calls #6

Chanticleer
I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up. 

Henry David Thoreau

November 15, 1999

“Chanticleer* Calls”, a twice-monthly newsletter for discriminating readers, thinkers, feelers, speakers, listeners, and cogitators.

THANKSTAKING

I’m not about to buck dang-near 400 years of tradition, travel and Friday sales by proposing to NOT observe Thanksgiving. However, I suggest possible benefits may derive from approaching Thanksgiving in a little bit different manner this year. As you prepare to thank everybody ELSE on November 25th, how about spending the next 10 days thanking, appreciating, and becoming more aware of yourself?
I call it, “Thankstaking.” Try practicing one of these each day until the 25th.

  1. Think of things you’ve done well or accomplished since Thanksgiving 1998. Pat yourself on the back for the difficult experiences you survived, the home fix-up projects you completed, the home fix-up projects you re-did until you got them right, the growing pains and stretch marks you earned, the things you did which you had never done before.
  2. “Once a day, every day – treat yourself.” You might remember this as the credo of Special Agent Dale Cooper from the 80’s drama, “Twin Peaks.” Treat yourself to a piece of cherry pie and a cup o’ joe.
  3. Read one more article in the morning paper.
  4. Watch a sitcom re-run.
  5. Have a dessert.
  6. Walk around the block for no reason.
  7. Sit and think idly for 15 minutes.
  8. Sit and do nothing but listen to a favorite CD.
  9. Use a fresh towel, even if it’s not Sunday.
  10. Allow others to thank you. Instead of automatically responding to someone’s sincere “Thank you” with:
    • sure,no problem
    • it wasn’t any problem
    • oh, no need to thank me
    • no sweat, don’t worry about it

    … simply acknowledge them with, “You’re welcome.” Let somebody thank you, and let yourself feel somebody’s gratitude without casually dismissing it.

  11. Practice sensory awareness exercises to help relax, relieve ‘stress’, and generally get to know yourself better. Here’s one you can do without calling too much attention to yourself if the office snoop should walk by: Sit up in your chair and close your eyes. Come to quiet for a few moments, then gradually allow your head to drift down towards your left shoulder. Control the movement – try to move only your head as slowly as you can while maintaining continual movement. Note how you feel your neck muscles stretch, and how the sensation on your right shoulder differs from that on your left. Let your head fall as long as you can do so comfortably. Hold the position for several seconds, stretching your neck muscles and noticing how your muscles feel. After several seconds, gradually bring your head back up to your starting position, moving at the same gradual rate as before. Come to a stop as you approach what you feel as ‘vertical’. Does your right side want to stretch as well? Repeat to your right side. As you slowly recover to ‘vertical’, how do you determine when you’ve reached a centered, straight-up, ‘vertical’ position?
  12. Next time you find yourself reacting negatively (with impatience, stress, anxiety, anger, etc.) to something (frustrating traffic, for example), try this: Say, “This is what’s happening:” [Give a brief, factual description of what’s going on, with no opinions, personal reactions, judgments, etc.]
    Say, “This is how I’m responding:” [Say what your feelings are, what you’d like to do to the other drivers, how impatient you are, etc.]
    Say, “I can respond differently if I choose by:” [Give some other, less negative, reactions.] This helps reinforce the lesson that not all human responses are determined solely by the stimulus.
  13. Go someplace off to yourself and try to be silent for 15 minutes, without ‘thinking’ or talking to yourself – try to just observe, hear, smell, feel, etc. Attempt to experience your “aliveness” without words, on a non-verbal, silent level. Many times our talking gets in the way of our experiencing … as Gloria Estefan sang, “when the words get in the way”. Every now and then, it might help to simply experience.
  14. Suggestion from a GS colleague to increase your level of self-awareness … break your personal routine in some way. Wear your watch on the other arm. Wear different jewelry, or wear your rings differently. Take a different route to work. Eat with your other hand. What do you notice about yourself and your experiences as a result of the change?
  15. Try changing a few language habits and see if it makes a difference in how you think and feel; for example, catch yourself whenever you use the word “is” or “am” and consider how you would express yourself without using either word.
  16. Catch yourself whenever you say “allness” words, such as all, totally, absolutely, every, none, certainly, without a doubt, never, always, etc. Do you really mean that? We tend to use a lot of these ‘extreme’ words in our daily conversations. In many cases, they cause us to develop distorted views of what’s actually happening and can lead to unrealistic, and unrealizable, expectations.
  17. Catch yourself whenever you make an observation or state an opinion, and add the phrase, “… to me.”
  18. Contemplate the 160-year old wisdom of Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” More Emerson inspiration from his essay on Self-Reliance.
  19. And after all that hard work getting ready for it, I wish you the best ever regular family-gathering, turkey-eating, football-watching, ad-reading, floor-napping, Christmas card-writing, calorie-disregarding, memory-making November 25th.

You’re welcome.

AND FINALLY

Our single friends in London apparently eschew the “meat market” scene, instead preferring to meet and mingle while shopping in the grocery market. According to an article distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, Sainsbury’s – a large British grocery chain – is testing a concept called “bleepers,” The adventurous single shopper may participate by programming a beeper-like device with his or her personal interests, preferences, hobbies, etc. If the shopper passes another bleeper-equipped shopper, the devices “bleep.”

(I am not making this “bleep” up – this is no “bleeping” joke. These bleepers are allegedly already deployed in Japan.)

But that’s not the interesting part …. the interesting thing is, “if their hobbies are compatible, the bleepers start bleeping and flashing simultaneously, loudly indicating a potential partner in the offing.”

(I guess “offing” is a section unique to British stores, maybe where they keep the kidney pie and haggis.)

A dating service owner comments: “It is tremendous to set up something that gets people together, and it certainly beats the other supermarket tactics of [cart] banging or asking about the ripeness of melons.”

How positively cliché, what – ripe melons? Indeed!

READERS REACT

“The comments of the Dallas Morning News regarding “Obscenity on ‘Hope'” reminded me of a PBS documentary I saw recently. The documentary was about the discovery of an outbreak of syphilis in a small community in Texas. Fifty cases were detected among adolescents and when they were interviewed, it was discovered that they had had sexual intercourse with numbers of people with which previously only prostitutes could vie. The adolescents were as young as twelve and were from well-to-do families whose working parents generally left them to fend for themselves. When the health care officials called a community meeting to discuss the epidemic, the parents could not believe what they were telling them their children were doing. Only when a visual aid showing the links between adolescents having sexual intercourse that looked like an unkempt ball of yarn did the magnitude of the problem hit home. An official interviewed for the program said that the parents needed to spend more time with their teenagers, that even though it seemed they were able to take care of themselves, they still needed guidance. She was disappointed that even after the presentation, parents still didn’t seem to realize that the problems with their children stemmed from the lack of time they spent with them. Considering this story, it’s not surprising that a mere obscenity on TV would not receive much of a response.

“Something else I found interesting was an interview the reporters did with a fourteen year old boy who had been active in the orgies and other youthful activities. A religious group attracted him for a short time and got him to give up his evil ways. One of the group’s methods of attracting the wayward youngsters was to have a Rock ‘n’ Roll band perform in a hall where the kids could dance, etc. Preaching was intermingled with the music and the adolescents were encouraged to pray, told they were loved, etc. The fourteen year old went along with it for awhile but lost interest when God did not respond to his prayers. He had set up a series of tests that God failed and came to the conclusion that the religion was a bunch of bunk.” – in Pennsylvania

“Per your comment: Seeing her alongside these other women caused me once again to think to myself, “I need to update my ‘map’ of what 80 looks like. … Being close to someone elderly makes you realize how much they have to offer us, if only we take the time to listen and learn. Some of the best advice I ever received was from my grandmother, who died two years ago at the age of 96. She thought she was grown when she was 18. When she turned 25, she realized how silly she was at 18, but how mature she was at 25. At 40 she realized how silly she was at 25, but how mature she was at 40…..punchline? At 95, she realized how immature she was at 80. Life is a continual growth experience -chose to learn from it, and adapt. – in Plano

Chanticleer Calls #5

Chanticleer
I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up. 

Henry David Thoreau

November 1, 1999

“Chanticleer* Calls”, a twice-monthly newsletter for discriminating readers, thinkers, feelers, speakers, listeners, and cogitators.

An older couple went to a doctor because they were having memory problems. The doctor reassured them that their problems were not serious and encouraged them to write notes to themselves to help them remember things.

That night the couple were watching TV when the woman got up to get a snack.

“Do you want anything?” she asked her husband.

“I’d love some ice cream,” he said. “Do you need to make a note of that?”

“Of course not,” she said. “I can remember ice cream.”

“Oh,could you put some nuts on it?”

“Sure.” she said.

“Do you need to make a note of that?”

“No. I can remember it. Ice cream and nuts.”

“Add some chocolate syrup, while you’re at it. Why don’t you write that down.”

“No, I can remember! Ice cream, nuts and chocolate syrup.”

The woman went into the kitchen and soon returned with a bowl of oatmeal on a tray.

“Hey,” said the man, “Where’s my toast!”

(from a reader)

MINDFULNESS

Since Chanticleer last called, I spent a week in New York/New Jersey for my annual board meeting and dinner/lecture with the Institute of General Semantics. Ellen J. Langer, professor of psychology at Harvard and author of several books such as Mindfulness, spoke at this year’s event, held at The Harvard Club in midtown Manhattan.

Summarizing how she distinguishes “mindfulness” from “mindlessness”: A mindful approach to any activity has three characteristics:

  • the continuous creation of new categories
  • openness to new information
  • and an implicit awareness of more than one perspective.

Mindlessness, in contrast, is characterized by:

  • an entrapment in old categories
  • automatic behavior that precludes attending to new signals
  • and action that operates from a single perspective.

Not only do we as individuals get locked into single-minded views, but we also reinforce these views for each other until the culture itself suffers the same mindlessness. There is an awareness of this in science. Scientists proceed along a path gathering data that build on accepted wisdom. At some point someone turns everyone’s attention to a very different view of the previously acknowledged truth. This phenomenon happens frequently enough that scientists are generally not surprised by what is called a paradigm shift.

Langer’s research findings and notions about “mindfulness” parallel much of general semantics. She spoke, and has written, a lot about aging and the elderly, and how we (society and culture in general) encourage mindlessness. Among many factors, she maintains that we generally tend to deny the aging the opportunity to think for themselves and control their own choice-making.

Of course, the ‘problem’ isn’t so much with the elderly as much as it is with the accumulated buildup of “mindless” mindsets we (as a society and culture) learn and propogate from generation to generation.

She also had some very interesting (and critical) comments regarding the malady du jour of ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder, and particularly the gross over-prescribing of Ritalin. She felt it was quite inappropriate to label someone with a “disorder” simply because a person in authority (parent, teacher, etc.) becomes dissatisfied with someone’s level of apparent attention in one context. According to Langer, many of those diagnosed with ADD experience many, many contexts in which their attention is (appears to be) quite normal.
You might consider reading one of her books.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can`t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can`t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I`m glad I don`t have that problem — knock on wood.” She rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, “That must be the door, I`ll get it.”

COMING TO AGE

Picture this …. you’re stopped at an intersection.

From behind, you feel the approaching thunderous mega bass of a vehicle with no respect for the aural environment of others. In your rearview mirror, you detect the front grill of a new, oversized pickup, pulsating with the intrusive, obnoxious noise … BOOM..BOOM..BOOM….” Your car vibrates from the resonating bass as it pulls alongside, and you hear nothing but the ear-splitting, bone-jarring sounds emanating from the truck.

Perturbed, you lower your window and glance aside to see what depraved excuse for humanity has invaded your serene space. In the front seat of the pickup, you see a man and a woman in their 70s or 80s, rocking out to what you believe to be Nat King Cole’s “Roll out those lazy-hazy-crazy days of summer”.

The light turns green. They peel out, leaving rubber on the road, and your jaw on your chest.

The day after the Ellen Langer lecture, I had the privilege to serve as chairman of a one-day colloquium held at Pace University in lower Manhattan to further discuss the notions of “mindfulness” as related to general semantics and critical thinking.

(Okay, I can’t say that with a straight face. What “chairman” meant in this context was to simply introduce the presenters, watch the clock, make sure we maintained some semblance of a schedule, and suck my throat lozenges as inconspicuously as possible.)

The afternoon included a 90-minute “sensory awareness” segment, which included several enlightening guided awareness exercises. I’ve participated in dozens of similar sessions during general semantics workshops, and I’m always amazed at the immediate beneficial and relaxing results.

This session proved memorable primarily because of the four women who led us. The youngest appeared to be in her mid-50s. The others were specifically asked their ages.

The other three women who each took a 20-minute turn in leading the sensory awareness exercises were aged 82, 84 and 90.

The eldest was Charlotte Read, whom I’ve had the wonder of knowing for six years, so I’ve almost come to take her youthfulness for granted. In 1995, she led our workshop in a one-hour session non-verbal awareness session. During some preliminary stretching exercises, she shamed us all by doing some unremarkable things like standing flat-footed, bending from the waist, and touching her fingertips to the ground. She did this at age 85, and she did it in a very slow, very controlled, demonstration of limberness.

And just the day before, during our Board meeting, she asked several, “But what about …?” questions, and provided other cogent, insightful observations. She now needs two canes to motor herself around, but she still manages her ever-present backpack on her own.

Seeing her alongside these other women caused me once again to think to myself, “I need to update my ‘map’ of what 80 looks like.”

Do you ever stop to consider where your mental “maps” (or images, models, expectations, etc.) about something or someone come from? And do you consider updating, or changing, them as warranted based on your experience? And is your behavior complying with somebody else’s “map” of how you ‘should’ behave, or are you navigating based on a “map” of your own making, based on your own experiences, observations, reactions, etc?

Are you mindful or mindless in your “map-making”?

AND FINALLY

Follow-up(1) regarding “Hope Happens”:

Obscenity on ‘Hope’ fails to raise ruckus: CBS says there was “surprisingly little” reaction to the Oct. 14 episode of Chicago Hope in which Mark Harmon’s character said one of those famous dirty words you can’t say on television – in the phrase ” . . . [expletive] happens.” A show representative said the network received 40 calls in reaction, adding that there were twice as many complaints about a show a season or so back that featured breast-feeding. – Hartford Courant

Follow-up(2) – from “Roger,” who wrote for help regarding “groups vs. teams:”

Well my presentation went pretty good, my teacher was really pleased, and I must say that you were a big help to me. So thank you sooo much, I really appreciate it. Robert

[SS: The request was signed “Roger”; the thank you was signed “Robert”. Perhaps one associates with a “group”, and the other with a “team” ….?]

My embarrassingly-long response to Roger/Robert follows these thoughtful reactions from readers:

All teams are groups, but not all groups are teams. Consider this: a group of rocks and a group of ants. The ants can be considered a team, but the rocks can not. The determinant is ACTION. Then, the biggest difference between good teams and bad teams is the effort put into choreographing the action. Or at least that’s the view from my knowledge-management addled brain. – in Phoenix

A group of people are a number of people, not necessarily with anything in common or the same goal. A team is more or less a unit of people with the same goal, as in baseball team. Your CD’s. I think alphabetical is practical. As time goes on we will forget dates, etc. But hopefully we all will remember the alphabet. It is as easy as ABC. – in Plano

I have never had ANY formal business classes, but it would appear to me that a “group” would be an assemblage of individuals having only certain characteristics in common (i.e. all men, all women, all employees, all singles), whereas a “team” would consist of individuals all displaying definitive attributes that allow them special insight into the subject at hand that they were chosen for (i.e. sports, mathematics, investing etc.). A “team” would have a common focus in problem solving where each participant lends his or her forte to the common good of goal attainment. A group would merely be an assemblage of individuals without a goal in mind. – in Seattle

My response to the “groups vs. teams” question:

Good morning, Roger. I just happened to be online and got your message. I’ll
offer some immediate thoughts, but, of course, without knowing the context
of your assignment/challenge, these may be way off the mark.

Regarding “the” (or rather “some of the possible”) differences between
“teams” and “groups” …. from the perspective of a Management class …

1. Remember we live in a world consisting of ‘things’ which can be
classified as:

– “not-words”, or
– “words”

Or, if you prefer, the classifications could be differentiated as:

– “things”, or
– “not-things”

Take for example, “dirt” or “soil” …. “dirt” (the word, the black marks on
your computer screen that you’re reading right now) could be classified as a
“word” or a “not-thing”. But if you went outside your dorm room or apartment
and rolled around in the dirt, you would be rolling around in something
which was not a word, but some”thing”. The word “dirt” serves as a symbol
for the stuff outside in which plants grow, but clearly the word “dirt” is
of an entirely different order or character or composition from the stuff
outside. And the symbol, or word, we use to refer to that stuff outside is
variable …. we can use “dirt” or “soil” or “humus” or the French
equivalent or German equivalent, etc.

So linguistically, words act as variables which refer to “something else”,
and the “something else” can be some “thing” which is not a word (like the
dirt outside), or the “something else” can be some other word. You have a
word (or symbol) which points to or refers to something else, a “referent”.
When you fill in the variable with some word, you more or less have a
definition:

x = the stuff outside in which plants grow

Let x = “dirt”

“dirt” (the word) = the stuff outside in which plants grow

Or, let x = “soil”

“soil” (the word) = the stuff outside in which plants grow

etc.

The point to remember: “The word is not the thing.”

2. Regarding “group” as opposed to “team”, would you say that “group” and
“team” belong to the category of “things” or “not-things”; or “words” or
“not-words”?

3. If you said that “group” and “team” refer to “things” and “not-words”, I
would say I disagree. I would say that “group” and “team” serve simply as
different words which may, or may not, refer to a given referent.

In other ‘words’ (ha ha), the difference between “group” and “team” is, in
my view, purely one of definition …. the difference is whatever you say it
is. In the context of an academic class, the definition may be dictated by a
textbook, professor, etc.

But here’s my thinking ….

Let’s say you work with four other people …. Roger, Bob, Mike, Michelle,
and Marie. These individuals have names, and these names (also serving as
symbols) refer to human beings of a specific height, weight, appearance,
etc., who each consist of a certain mix of chemicals and water, etc. In
other words, the individuals humans exist, take up physical dimensions, can
be observed, etc.

Now you ask the question …. “do I work in a ‘group’?”, or “do I work in a
‘team’?”

And I would ask, “Does a ‘group’ exist, as “Roger” (the human being who
physically exists) exists? Can you see, or hear, or smell, a ‘group’ “? And,
“How much space does a ‘team’ occupy? Is a ‘team’ heavier than a ‘group’?”

Again, “the word is not the thing” .

On a non-verbal level, we can easily differentiate these two ‘things’:

– the dirt outside in which plants grow
– from “Roger”, the human being who sits in front of his computer reading
this message

Can we likewise differentiate “group” from “team” on a non-verbal level?

I would say, “No”. The differences between “group” and “team” exist only on
a verbal level … the differences are what we say they are, or how we
define them verbally.

4. Now, since I worked in management at a large corporation for several
years, I suspect that in your particular situation, in the context of an
academic class, the following *might* be some of the differences your profes
sor or textbook are trying to make:

“Group” – may imply a collection of individuals (let’s say Roger, Bob, Mike,
Michelle, and Marie) who work in the same area, performing duties or
functions which may or may not inter-relate with each other, who may or may
not be coordinated in their efforts, who may or may not consider the impact
of their work on the work of the others, who may or may not have a
particular pride or loyalty to their work, who may achieve individual
success with or without the assistance and cooperation of the others, etc.

“Team” – may imply a collection of individuals (let’s say Roger, Bob, Mike,
Michelle, and Marie) who work in the same area and have an awareness of what
the other individuals are doing, who share a collective sense of a common
purpose or objective, who have some type of clearly defined individual
responsibilities, who depend on each other with some level of trust and
confidence, who succeed or fail all together, who function cooperatively,
etc.

Roger, is this along the lines of what you’re attempting to define and
differentiate?

5. Something to think about and perhaps discuss in your class … if you
indeed define “groups” and “teams” similarly to what I just defined … if
you say that in your particular work setting Roger, Bob, Mike, Michelle, and
Marie constitute a “team” instead of a group, that they behave in the manner
that you’ve defined a “team” …. what about outside of the work area? What
if they go out to lunch together – would they still be considered a “team”?
What if they each brought their spouses to lunch with them …. would they
still be a “team”? What if they happened to run into each other at the
movies, if the five of them were standing in line to buy tickets would they
be a “team”? What if Mike and Michelle call in sick to work on Monday – do
Roger and Bob and Marie still constitute a “team”?

As you can see, once you start making these types of verbal differences, you
can almost literally “define” yourself into a sanitarium. I hope this
gives you some thoughts to consider, and perhaps figure out for your
purposes which differences do indeed make a difference.

From my perspective, the important difference is not in the definition
between what you call a “team” versus what you call a “group”, but the
critical thing is – How do Roger, Bob, Mike, Michelle, and Marie behave in
the work area in order to best achieve the purposes and goals set by
management? The differences which make a difference are in their behaviors –
not in the words you use to define their behaviors.

Best wishes in your class. If you have time, I’d be interested to know how
your talk goes.

Steve Stockdale

Chanticleer Calls #4

Chanticleer
I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up. 

Henry David Thoreau

October 15, 1999

“Chanticleer* Calls”, a twice-monthly newsletter for discriminating readers, thinkers, feelers, speakers, listeners, and cogitators.

CLASSIFICATIONS

I received an interesting email this week:

Dear Sirs,
I am a french student in Management and I just visited your site. I think that you can really help me. I’ve got to talk about Teams for my management class, for Friday 15th October. But there is one problem…a difference that makes a difference!! I cannot seem to find what is the difference between a team and a group.

Can you please help me?

Thank you for replying as soon as possible, I’d appreciate your help.

Yours Sincerely,
Signed

How would you have responded to this? What are your thoughts?

I take this opportunity to point out two important but overlooked aspects of language:

  1. the arbitrariness of verbal classifications; and
  2. our willingness to get wrapped up in these arbitrary, verbal classifications

I like music, and own quite a few CDs. I keep most of them in a 200-CD changer. As you can imagine, this presents an organizational challenge. Every few months, as I buy new CDs, I have to rearrange the changer.

What is THE best organizing scheme for this?

Well, probably the first approach is alphabetical order by artist. At my house, if the TV’s not on, the stereo is – continually. So I’ll turn the CD on and it will play from one CD to the next. If I organized by alphabetical order, in some cases this would result in some reasonable transitions, such as:

Blues Brothers; Blues Fest, Blues Traveler

Cole, Nat (King); Cole (Natalie)

But, a strictly alphabetical listing would also result in some pretty ‘jarring’ changes, genre-wise, like:

Gee, Kenny; Genesis (okay, just forget I even own a Kenny Gee CeeDee)

Lennon, John; The Lettermen

Sinatra, Frank; Squirrel Nut Zippers

See what I mean?

Think about the different ways I could arrange my CDs:

  • by alphabetical order
  • by Category (Jazz, Blues, Swing, Rock and Roll, Top 40, Easy Listening, Soundtracks, Comedy, Classics)
  • by Time Period, Chronological Order (pre-1900,1900-1950, the 50’s, the 60’s, the 70’s, the 80’s, the ’90s)
  • by order I purchased
  • by a ranking of how well I liked them
  • etc. …

You can, perhaps, imagine the difficulties awaiting … what do I do with groups that cross classifications? What about somebody like Billy Joel who spans three decades? How do I deal with all the compilation CDs – “Best of the Disco Years”, etc.?

(Yeah, yeah, I hear some of you shouting, “OXYMORON! OXYMORON!”)

Of course, I could just randomly put them in the changer.

Which is the point …. It’s arbitrary. I can make the rules, and I can classify them as I wish. If I want to put Madonna in the “Top 40” instead of “Rock and Roll”, I can do that. If I want to put Tony Bennett in “Easy Listening”, Mel Torme in “Swing”, and Frank Sinatra in a class by himself, I can do that.
The classification doesn’t change the music.

The classification is NOT the music.

We face similar arbitrary ‘problems’ in everyday language. But a lot of people don’t recognize the arbitrary nature of how we ‘classify’ things with names, labels, descriptions, etc. (Think about this – how much of what you ‘know’ is what to call things, and how to classify things?) To a lot of people, these names, these labels, these titles, these categories, really do mean what they say.

What do I mean?

Take politics (please!): “conservative“; “liberal“.

Need I say more?

For the next 13 months, we will be collectively bombarded with these labels, and classifications, and names, and a lot of people will think they are communicating something when they say:

“He’s a liberal!”

“She’s talks like a conservative, but she’s not!”

“He’s not liberal enough.”

“Vote conservative!”

And a lot of people will respond to these labels and vote for candidates solely because of whatever category, classification, name, label, moniker, title, etc., is used most often and most effectively. Lost in the verbal confusion will be the actual actions, behaviors, platforms, positions, opinions, judgments, etc., of the candidates.

Ooh, suddenly-seen irony – the word candid is actually in “candidate.”

I think not! (Patting myself on the back for that one.)

CLASSIFICATION RECAP

  1. Verbal classifications are arbitrary. Useful, appropriate, well-intended, purposeful … but still arbitrary.
  2. Oftentimes we respond to the verbal category as if we were responding to something ‘real’ and specific and identifiable. In those cases, we have been conditioned to respond in a pre-determined way and therefore susceptible to …?

HUH???

This week on CNBC I casually listened to an interview with Mark Logan, the Chairman and CEO of Visx (VISX), a fast-growing maker of surgical equipment used in the exploding field of laser vision correction. My ears perked up when, in response to a question regarding future growth opportunities, Mr. Logan stated, “We’ve just begun to scratch the surface.”

Huh? (ouch!)

I was out walking the other day and noticed that the bus stop around the corner is Route # 404. I wonder how many Internet-savvy riders board this bus … betcha Steven Wright wouldn’t.

Huh?

My window to the world, aka, the Dallas Morning News, reports an escalating dispute between the Texas State Board of Education and textbook publishers. Seems several months ago the state bored (I mean, “board”) established a requirement that “a majority of the words in their first-grade readers had to be phonics-based”. This was, at the time, generally interpreted to be 51 percent, so the textbook publishers generated their texts accordingly. Now, however, some of the bored (I mean, “bored”) members think the 51 percent standard is too low, preferring an 80 percent standard. (The article doesn’t indicate how, or who, does the math on the phonics.) The textbook industry is crying phoul, since it would cost them $millions to revise and re-print the books, most of which are already on the shelph.

The article notes that the bored board has no authority to reject textbooks …. BUT, they do classify them as either “conforming” or “nonconforming” with the standards.

(In this case, shouldn’t that be “conphorming” and “nonconphorming”?)

I would give credit if I knew who first pointed this out, but all you need to know to understand what “irony” means is …. “phonics”.

Huh!

AND FINALLY: “Hope” Happens

If you’ve enjoyed George Carlin’s hilarious insights and observations over the past 30 years, you probably can’t help but laugh out loud just reading the title, “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.” According to yesterday’s Dallas Morning News, the third (by my recollection) of those previously forbidden words will make its network debut on the CBS show, Chicago Hope.

In the delicate wording of the morning news, the event occurs “when a character says the phrase … [Expletive] happens.”

The article explains: “The exchange occurs in a scene that features Dr. Jack McNeil, played by Mark Harmon, being interrogated by a medical board after something goes wrong with one of his patients.”

The show’s Executive Producer stated: “It comes down to a phrase that embodies the feeling of the whole hour. There’s no other way to express it.”

A network spokesman said, “The producers felt strongly that the line was important for artistic truthfulness.

We wanted to support their creative vision, but clearly, this is not something that will happen on a weekly basis.”

This leaves me wondering …

  • So … [Expletive] happens – but not on a weekly basis?
  • So … [Expletive] happens – but only as the result of “creative vision”, and when it conveys “artistic truthfulness”?
  • So … What happens when [Expletive] doesn’t happen?

Wonder what Carlin’s The Hippy-Dippy Weather Man would have to offer on this?

Pertinent to this subject … my daughter recently recounted an incident at the golf driving range when one of her friends “dropped the F-bomb.”

I have no idea why her friend was carrying a bomb at a driving range, or where she got it. Probably off the Internet. Fortunately, nobody was hurt.

Postscript: Wouldn’t we all feel just a little bit more maturely intelligent if we didn’t have to appease the antiquatedly silly sensitivities of those who require the use of you-know-what-I-mean-but-I-can’t-actually-say-it-(wink-wink) devices like “[Expletive]”? Yuh, right – …. that’ll be the frickin’ day.

READERS REACT

“Another conventional wisdom regarding the Wedgewood shootings in Fort Worth. A comment from a lady interviewed was, “I just can’t believe this could happen in Fort Worth, Texas!” While we were away on vacation this summer, there was a murder two doors down from us. The media made a big deal on how something like that could happen in such a nice neighborhood. People who think that mass shootings, domestic violence, drugs, rape, and all other crimes only happen in someone elses’ backyard are in denial. Ignorance is not always bliss.”

Chanticleer Calls #3

Chanticleer
I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up. 

Henry David Thoreau

October 1, 1999

“Chanticleer* Calls”, a twice-monthly newsletter for discriminating readers, thinkers, feelers, speakers, listeners, and cogitators.

Recalling Olivia Newton John’s modest ’70s hit, “Physical,” the theme of this issue: Let’s Get Conditional

From a recent Dilbert desk calendar cartoon:
[Dilbert, lying on the therapist’s couch]: On weekends, I’ll feel my pager vibrate … but when I go to check it out, I realize I’m not wearing it.
[Therapist]: It’s a classic case of “Phantom-Pager Syndrome”. It’s common among technology workers. There’s no treatment for it.
[Dilbert]: I don’t want to treat it. I want to relocate it.

I attended an Open House at my daughter’s high school recently. Her Psychology teacher told us that they would be studying Pavlov, who conditioned his dog to salivate at the sound of a bell. He did this, of course, by ringing a bell when he fed the dog, until the dog associated the bell with the food. Then Pavlov rang the bell without giving the dog food, and the dog – expecting food – began to salivate. The teacher said that the kids thought it was pretty neat that you could train animals like that.

I’d like to comment on how we train – or condition – ourselves to respond to the ‘stimuli’ (events, people, words, etc) we encounter everyday. And how, in many cases, we may not recognize this conditioning, or consider its implications.

I recently drove up to Bridgeport (TX) to visit my sister and her family. I took my Sony minidisc player and headphones so I could jam to Santana’s awesome new CD, Supernatural (with Rob Thomas and Dave Matthews), on the road.

About halfway there, I ran into heavy traffic due to a thunderstorm. I went to turn down the music to better concentrate on the challenging road conditions, and reached to turn down the car stereo. But of course, nothing happened, because I was listening to my minidisc player sitting on the passenger seat.

I ‘always’ listen to music through the car stereo, so when the music volume needed to be adjusted, I did what I ‘always’ do – which at this moment, in this context, was not the appropriate thing to do.

So I nodded to myself that I had ‘learned’ a little lesson in awareness. And then I proceeded to do the same thing at least four more times during the one-hour drive.

Hey, Steve – conditioning calling.

I saw the movie The Sixth Sense last week. I won’t give away anything significant, but there’s a scene in which a little boy gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

As he walks down the hall, the camera focuses on the thermostat – which shows the temperature dropping rapidly from about 70 degrees down into the 30s. Then you see the boy, and you can clearly see his exhaled breath.

As I watched this scene, and noticed the thermostat, I immediately got chills all over my body.
Now mind you, I sat in a theater auditorium in 70-degree comfort. The temperature in the theater didn’t change. I responded to a ‘stimulus’ that consisted solely of two-dimensional images projected onto a lighted screen about sixty feet away. I so closely identified with the images on the screen that I responded to the images as if the actual temperature of my environment had changed.

Hey, Steve – conditioning called.

Lyrics noted this week: “Don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.” – The Eagles, “Take It Easy”

I’ve struggled internally in the aftermath of the tragic shootings at the Wedgewood Baptist Church in Fort Worth on September 15th. It hit very close to home, literally and figuratively. I live about 30 miles from there now, but in 1978 my wife at the time and I tried to buy a house in that neighborhood. My great-grandparents were founding members of another church in the Wedgewood area. My daughter attended a similar “See You at the Pole” event at her high school that very morning.

To those outside of this area, with no emotional ties here, the Wedgewood shootings probably don’t represent much more than the next item on a seemingly never-ending list: Arkansas shootings, Oregon shootings, Columbine shootings, Wedgewood shootings, — TBD — shootings next month, — TBD — shootings next year, etc.

However, for me, this one is more personal. What I’ve tried to notice in particular is, how do people respond to an event like this? (At least, to the extent those reactions are communicated via the broadcast news.) How have I responded? Because those responses reflect how they, and I, have been conditioned to respond. And while I realize this may touch an extremely sensitive nerve with some, I would like to comment that perhaps we need to question, reassess, validate, modify, update, etc., the premises or beliefs we hold in light of how we react to tragedies like this.

I hear a lot of “conventional wisdom” along the lines of:

  • It was meant to be
  • It just wasn’t meant to be
  • Everything happens for a reason
  • If it’s meant to happen, it will happen
  • This wasn’t supposed to happen
  • Don’t tempt Fate
  • It was destined
  • Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be

And yet, when something happens like these shootings, a lot of people will still immediately ask others (and themselves), “Why did this have to happen?”, and “How can we prevent this from happening again?” And the conventionally-wise answers listed above will be sprayed about faithfully, and reassuringly, like an emotional air freshener that (temporarily) masks a lingering stench.

I think it’s worthwhile to really contemplate how we condition ourselves to respond to what happens in our lives. Do you believe that:

  • everything happens for a reason, everywhere?
  • everything happens for many reasons?
  • everywhere everything happens for a reason in some places, but in other places things happen without reason?
  • everything happens for many reasons in some places, but in other places thing happen without reason?
  • some things happen for a reason, but other things happen randomly?
  • in all places some things happen for many reasons, but other things happen randomly?
  • in all places things just happen?

What implications logically follow your beliefs?

Personally, I’m glad that Edward Jenner didn’t believe that whoever’s supposed to die from smallpox is just gonna have to die.

And I’m thankful that Jonas Salk didn’t accept that some school kids were just going to have to live with polio because it was meant to be, although by the time he invented his vaccine my aunt had already contracted it.

And I hope that the scientists and doctors engaged in research for AIDS, ALS, cancer, scleroderma, and other diseases are not deterred by Fate, or shrug their shoulders in resignation, take off their lab coats, and sigh, Well, we tried, but it just wasn’t meant to be. Where we going for lunch?

What’s the condition of your conditioning?

Early one morning a few weeks ago, I walked around the track at a nearby high school. I watched as, on the football practice field, a small group of about ten students marched around, directed by a guy my age wearing a uniform. I assumed it was a Junior ROTC group in the early stages of learning their Yo’ leffff from their Yo’ righhh after beginning their Forward … harch!

As I circled the track at the other end, near the alley behind the neighboring houses, I noticed three girls, each with very long straight hair, each wearing all black. They harched briskly around the corner of the fence, out of sight from the school, dropped their backpacks, and lit up cigarettes.

Compare and contrast … the Junior ROTC drill team, learning how to march before school starts, probably to present the colors at the next Friday night football game – and the girls in black sneaking around the alley to catch a quick smoke before 1st period.

Would you expect the individuals in the two different groups to behave differently in class? Which do you expect make the better grades? Which probably have better relationships with their parents? Which group would you prefer to have your child hang with? Which group would you most likely have hung with?

What life experiences have conditioned you to answer as you did? How much stock would you put in your inferences? How certain are you of your expectations in terms of what futures each of these teenagers might face?

Do you listen to “the sound of your own wheels”?

AND FINALLY

In the September 15th edition, I related the experience of watching a young girl learning how to ice skate. As she progressed, she repeated, “Mommy, watch me. WATCH ME!” I commented, with feigned rhetorical wisdom, “I was just wondering at what age we outgrew that desire to show others how we progress in learning how to do something.”

I discussed this yesterday with someone I had just met. She challenged my conclusion that we outgrew it – “Oh, we never outgrow it. We all want to be noticed and recognized. We just do different things to get noticed now, than we did when we were kids.”

Oh.

( …thinking… )

You mean … like publish newsletters and create new web sites?

Hmm.

I stand (or sit) corrected.

READERS REACT


“I’m right there with you on the school prayer issue. Why on earth people are spending time on this issue when there are so many others more important? Even though I enjoy prayer as an activity that doesn’t mean that I feel that everyone else should enjoy everything else that I do. After all I put mayo on my peanut butter sandwiches – so all of my other activities should be suspect. As Bill Maher says on “Politically Incorrect” – why does everybody have to be able to do everything? And in response to your quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, there is a saying among bluegrass musicians – “That’s how that song goes today”.

Chanticleer Calls #2

Chanticleer
I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up. 

Henry David Thoreau

September 8, 1999

“Chanticleer* Calls”, a twice-monthly newsletter for discriminating readers, thinkers, feelers, speakers, listeners, and cogitators.

SIGNS ON, OR NEAR, THE ROAD

    • Name of a DFW towing service, painted across the sides of the truck: TOW JAM
    • Strip center restaurant catering to the Irving/Las Colinas lunch crowd, named: Nooners
    • Between Phoenix and Tucson along I-10: STATE PRISON NEARBY – DO NOT PICK UP HITCHIKERS
    • As westbound Hwy 183 Y-splits into southbound Hwy 121 and westbound Loop 820 near Northeast Mall in Fort Worth, there are no signs ….. but the road splits anyway.

AN EXPERIMENT

My daughter, a high school junior, studies psychology this trimester as an elective. She recently explained some of the neat experiments they’ve done in class, primarily involving visual illusions that illustrate how our eyes/brain can fool us. I suggested she try this experiment, which you might consider if you have access to five minutes, three large bowls, and water.

Put cold water in a bowl placed to your left, comfortably hot water (not scalding – no lawsuits, please!) in a bowl to your right, and lukewarm (“just right”) water in a middle bowl. Place your left hand in the cold water and your right hand in the comfortably hot water. Keep them (your hands) submerged in the water for about a minute. Then pick them up (still talking about your hands now) and place them both in the middle bowl.

What do your senses tell you about the water temperature in the middle bowl?

Some of you are probably sharp enough to speculate what happens. (But come on, go ahead and do it for yourself anyway.) Your left hand, conditioned by the cold water, tells you that the middle water is “warmer”; while your right hand, conditioned by the comfortably hot water tells you the middle water is “cooler”. You have only one stimulus – the middle bowl of water – but you have two different sensory responses. Which one is “right”?

As I explained to my daughter (who thought this was pretty, uh, “cool”), just like the left and right hands in the experiment, we are each ‘conditioned’ by our past. Each of us has lived through our own unique, no-two-the-same life experiences. To every new situation or experience, we bring our own unique perspectives and attitudes resulting from our past experiences. We therefore can’t help but experience each situation uniquely from anyone else. If we fail to recognize this – if we expect others to see or feel or smell or otherwise experience something exactly the same as we do – then we forget the extended lesson of the three water bowls:

      • This (warmer water to the left hand) is not that (cooler water to the right hand).
      • This (high school experience of a student from Harwood Junior High) is not that (high school experience of a student from Euless Junior High).
      • This (what I find “pretty”) is not that (what you find “ugly”).
      • This (what I find “funny”) is not that (what you find “revolting”).
      • This (what I find “offensive”) is not that (what you find “satirical”).
      • Etc.

“WATCH ME!”

While waiting to meet someone for lunch recently, I watched some kids at a mall ice skating rink. A little girl, probably about four or five, would skate a few feet and then gleefully yell to her mother, “Mommy, watch me! Watch ME!”

I was just wondering at what age we outgrow that desire to show others how we progress in learning how to do something. (Or, do we all outgrow that …?)

“There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything, or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.” – Alfred Korzybski

IN THE NEWS

CNBC reported that The London Times reported a story that “rising stress levels” were resulting in an increase in what was termed “desk rage”. Presumably, “stressed out” non-postal workers in England are, uh, “going postal” at work as the “stress levels rise”.

Hmm.

This makes it sound as if “stress” is something that blankets the offices like the London fog, as if it’s blown in through the air conditioning ducts, or emitted from the fluorescent lights, or carried in the signals of the BBC.

Is it possible to measure “levels” of “stress”? And is “stress” out there …. in the office … at the desk … in the hallways? And what about “rage” – where is “rage” found, and how is it measured?

Personally, I’d punt a pound they’re both caused by that damn kidney pie and warm ale.

The touring production of “Ragtime” recently played in Dallas, prompting two contrasting letters to the editor in the Dallas Morning News. While one writer lauded the performance (“I was well pleased, as were the hundreds of others in the audience”), another was less, well, “well pleased:”

“We were expecting a “happy” type of show, but were subjected to a horrible example of prejudice and sorrow. I saw almost half of the people leave at the intermission, as we did. I’m sure Tom Hughes [former managing director] would never have allowed the “N” word to be used on a stage in Dallas.”

My responsive ‘chorus’ to this second comment:

“This (using the “N” word in a play”) is not that (using the “N” word in ‘real’ life).”
“This (what pleases me) is not that (what you find “horrible”).”
“This (a play about prejudice) is not that (prejudice).”

While we’re on stage, according to the Arizona Republic … a Mesa Junior High School was scheduled to produce the stage version of “Tom Sawyer” next month. However, a parent expressed concerns about the script, concerns which were validated by school district officials who deemed the play, “culturally insensitive to Native Americans, women and religious groups”, and cancelled the production.

Which, of course, prompted the ACLU to “fire off a letter” to the Mesa school district asking them to reconsider. The school district believes its action is warranted, given a U.S. appellate court decision on a case involving the novel Huckleberry Finn, in which the court “asserted that schools can’t allow racially hostile environments to persist.”

The article states:

“In the case of the ‘Tom Sawyer’ play, district officials became concerned over such characters as Injun Joe, who is jailed for vagrancy, portrayed as amoral and a robber and killer who carries a knife; females that are flirtatious or homely; and a constable who is a redneck. In addition, religious references are made and music played.”

“Redneck?”

Did Mark Twain actually use the word redneck? Quick, who can find a reference? If “redneck” isn’t in the book … where did it come from?

COMMENTS

(1) Why is it so easy for most people to grasp the notion that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but it’s so difficult for many of the same people to get that “offensive” is in the ‘eye’ of the be-offended? Or that “obscenity” is in the ‘eye’ of the be-obscened? Or that “amoral” is in the ‘eye’ of the be-amoralled? Or that “flirtatious” is in the ‘eye’ of the, uh, … envious? (?)

(2) How is it that somebody can be classified a “Native Texan” and not also be classified as a “Native American”? Who makes these rules?

AND FINALLY

I had a few friends from Fort Worth over for dinner the other night. I normally wear myself out getting ready for something like this, such that I’m beat by the time they get here. I had promised to make my brother’s famous recipe for paella, which involves  quite a bit of preparation. So this time, I divvied up the recipe and asked each person to bring one or two of the ingredients, all prepared. When they arrived, I was not as frazzled as I would’ve been so I could enjoy the evening more. And the actual cooking was as easy as taking what everybody brought and throwing it all together. (Well, not really.)

The moral of the story … friends will inevitably “bring something to the party”. But you need to let yourself ask.

READERS REACT

“Excellent observation on the grandpa in Braums–and the kids.  Kids are much more easily distracted from discomfort– at an ice cream shop. However, take them to the bank and see how quick they discover they are hungry, hot, tired, bored, need to potty, etc!”

“I also wanted to add an observation about St. Louis teens and art, or perhaps this can expand beyond our region. Recently, a 17 year old white male, attending one of the “better” Jesuit high schools, living in one of our more affluent areas of the suburbs, was killed while attempting to apply paint from an arousal can [ss: I believe she means “aerosol can”, but having read some Freud …] to the side of a moving set of train cars.  The headline in the paper read “Young Artist Killed.” Television, radio and paper alike reported on the tragedy of this young, aspiring artist, who was cut down in the prime of his life while practicing his art form.  Several stories ran, showing this art. Interviews of his parents from their “mansion” (reported in the St. Louis Post Distpatch), explaining their dead sons love of this art. My reaction was more along the line of: since when is graffiti “art” and vandalism “practice”?.  Given my “city” point of view, I wondered if this young man had been black, living in the city, going to one of our public schools, would he had been termed an artist?”

“You are right about children learning to view the world with a critical eye..and they learn this from the adults around them. I was wondering while reading your description of the grandfather’s behavior (and the children’s oblivion to all the irritants he identified) what it would be like to take a grandfather from say Bosnia and put him in a Braums with the grandkids for the afternoon. Oh my, he’d probably wonder at all the conveniences. Just going to Braum’s alone would be a treat for him. He would not care where he sat or the precise temperature of the room. A short wait for his food would not phase him. I think our culture has become so hypercritical of the world we live in. We have been sensitized to feel free to speak out about any real or perceived intrusion on “OUR LIFE”. We drive faster, we eat faster, we just live life fast. I try to have one night where my kids and I sit down and have a meal together. You know, like Donna Reed did. It’s a wonder I did not give up doing this years ago. It’s always a battle. “can we eat in front of the TV?” ..no, “what do you want us to say?” (when asked about their day), etc etc. But I persist, living in the fantasy that one day they will come to the “family night” table with smiles on their faces and truly enjoy this time we have together in the middle of our busy week. Maybe somehow without realizing it, on the other six nights of the week I taught them not to enjoy this seventh. Food for thought your story, thanks.”

Chanticleer Calls #1

Chanticleer
I do not propose to write an ode to dejection, but to brag as lustily as chanticleer in the morning, standing on his roost, if only to wake my neighbors up. 

Henry David Thoreau

September 1, 1999

Welcome to this first edition of “Chanticleer* Calls”, a twice-monthly newsletter for discriminating readers, thinkers, feelers, speakers, listeners, and cogitators.

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT, AND WHY HAVE I RECEIVED THIS EMAIL?

Good questions. First, you’ve received this email for one or more of the following reasons:

  1. you and I are related by means of genetic happenstance (i.e., “family”);
  2. you and I are related because we have worked together in the past;
  3. you and I are related because we have studied together in the past;
  4. you and I are related due to shared interests;
  5. you and I are not related, but I’ve got your email address.

Regarding what this is about … this is about me collecting various personal observations, insights, opinions, anecdotes, jokes, quotes, aphorisms, etc., and attempting to package them twice a month into a message which entertains, enlightens, and provokes. The guiding principle which inspires this effort, and which will fuel it in the weeks and months ahead, can be expressed simply as:

This Is Not That : Implications of the Obvious

THIS IS NOT THAT

What makes an expert an “expert”?

In addition to attributes like knowledge, skills, experience, etc. – I’ll add one that you might not so quickly recognize. Experts can make fine distinctions which you and I “non-experts” cannot, or do not, make.

For example, once every four years I’ll watch the Olympic ice skating competition on TV. To me, unless a skater falls or makes obvious mistakes, one skater looks about as good as the other. However, the “expert” commentators on television can point out subtle, or not so subtle, flaws in a particular move or spin or jump as each skater skates – flaws which I just cannot see.

Sure enough, when they replay the routine in super slow motion, I can detect the dip, the hesitation, the loss of balance, that the commentator pointed out. The “expert” can see differences that I can’t.

Some of these differences don’t make a difference. For me, the fact that I cannot differentiate a 9.5 triple salchow from one scoring 7.5 does not much affect how I live my daily life.

However, some differences DO make a difference – sometimes huge differences.  Some differences can insidiously appear as similarities if we’re not careful. When we fail to properly detect these differences – when we act as if “this is just like that” instead of recognizing that “this is NOT that”, we many times create troubles for ourselves.

So stevestockdale.com/ is about pointing out examples of how we fail to recognize differences which can make a difference in how we respond and react to what goes on around us.

ANECDOTE

Many of you know I recently embarked on a new career. Depending on your perspective (or vocabulary), my new career path is either unemployed or self-employed. I choose the latter since I enjoy being my own boss.

My first decision as boss was to give all my employees two weeks vacation, which I (the self-employee) have used to do some painting around the house. I painted my bedroom a nice green hue, and after I finished I stood back with hands on hips admiring my brush work and congratulating myself on a good job.

But then as I replaced the light switches and outlets, I noticed some small spots which didn’t get covered. I got my utility light out and inspected for more missed spots. I found them, so I got the paint back out and did some touch-up. The next day I moved furniture around, and again, I found more very small spots.
My self-proclaimed  “good job” on Wednesday had become, by Friday, my “what-was-I-thinking-about-while-I-was-doing-this?” job.

This (my Friday evaluation) was not that (my Wednesday evaluation).

General lesson: Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there to be seen.

“We tend to discriminate against people to the degree we fail to distinguish between them.” – Irving J. Lee

OBSERVATION

I’ve been treating myself in the afternoons to a frozen yogurt at the local Braum’s store. The other day I walked in and noticed a man at the order counter, with his middle-aged daughter and about six young children, some of whom I assumed were his grandchildren. As I stood next to the man and the mother, most of the kids were running wild in the seating area.  The counter staff did not immediately come wait on us, and after a few minutes the man said in a loud, agitated, impatient voice to his daughter, “Well, if anybody’s ever going to wait on us…”

I got my yogurt and sat down while the man and his daughter continued ordering meals for the brood. The man, still apparently agitated, walked to the seating area where some of the kids had planted. He noticed an ash tray on the table, then the sign that advised that they were in the designated smoking area.

Even though no one else sat in the store other than me (sitting, as luck would have it, in the non-smoking section), the man asked the kids, “Why are you sitting in the smoking area? We don’t want to sit here.” He continued to nervously look around, and up, as if he expected tar and nicotine clouds to descend from the ceiling at any moment. But the kids ignored him and kept playing and talking and trying to spin the seats off their supports.

Still searching for the smoke-to-come, he sat down and realized that the air conditioning wasn’t working properly. He started fidgeting, looking around, looking up at the ceiling fans, tried to loosen his collar, caught my eye for a second and muttered – I couldn’t tell if he was talking to me or himself – “Isn’t it kinda warm in here?” Meanwhile, the kids kept playing, oblivious to their grandfather’s discomfort.

Once his daughter arrived with the meals, he upped everybody off of their seats and herded them down to my end of the seating area, since “this is the no smoking area and I think it’s cooler down here.” Of course, he hadn’t actually been in that area, but I guess to some people, hope sometimes expediently become experience.

It struck me that the kids had not yet ‘learned’ how to be uncomfortable in all the ways that the man had learned. The kids played and laughed and cut up without regard for how long it took to place an order, what the signs on the wall said, or that the inside temperature was only 25 degrees cooler than outside, instead of 30 degrees cooler. But I’m sure with repeated exposure to the behaviors ‘taught’ by the man, the kids will eventually learn their lessons well.

Our behaviors have implications.

IN THE NEWS

Former Senator Bill Bradley, a potential candidate for the Democratic Presidential nomination, in a response to reporters’ badgering questions about whether he was a “left-leaning progressive” or “more moderate than Mr. Gore”: “I’m not helping you at all. It’s too simplistic to put somebody into a particular mold when the person has a heart beating and a brain functioning.”

You go, Bill! Don’t forget the wise counsel of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who anticipated these image-is-everything and political-platform-by-polls sentiments 160 years ago:

“The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loth to disappoint them. … A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.”

This (label) is not that (person). This (today’s position based on today’s facts) is not that (yesterday’s position based on yesterday’s facts.

And then on the other side of the aisle, of course, there’s George W., Jr., who’s campaign short-hand isn’t “24/7”, but “not in 7/25.” (Personally, I’m kinda tickled to learn, after several years of wondering, that, yes, he actually HAS done something.)

With the beginning of a new year in Texas public schools, annual pleas for instituting prayer in schools made the news again.

In the Katy Independent School District (ISD) near Houston, there’s a move to allow students to vote on allowing “solemnization” ceremonies that could lead to prayer. A high school senior is quoted as saying, “We should at least be able to vote. Majority rules. That’s the way our U.S. Senate and everything runs.”

Maybe his Civics class doesn’t cover the Bill of Rights until second semester. Let’s hope.

Personally, I’d like for the state legislature to pass a law requiring all those who insist on interjecting their own religion into the public schools to have mandatory prayer with their children each morning before school, in their most innermost bedroom closet. Failure to comply would be punishable by placing bumper stickers on the parents’ cars which read, “My child’s parents are hypocrites in the _____ ISD”.

Some actions and behaviors make a difference; others do not. But they all have consequences.

The city of Irving is opening something called a Youth Action Center, which will “give teens a place to call their own.” And it will give those adults who are concerned about gangs a false sense of security that they’ve done something to address the problem.

The chairwoman of the Center stated, “It will be similar in a way to a senior citizen center, except that it will be for teens.”

Oh. Okay, similar to a senior citizen center … but for teens. Of course – teenagers aren’t anything more than senior-citizens-in-waiting who haven’t started to shrink!

The Center will have ping pong and pool tables and “in addition, a computer room will have Internet access for research or homework.”

Yup, I can see this … “Mom, I’m going to the YAC with Billy to access the Internet for my non-homework-related research project.”

Coincidentally, in the same paper adjacent to the YAC article, there’s news that the Irving ISD is installing surveillance cameras on some campuses.

“The Columbine shootings really brought it home for us,” said the Assistant Superintendent for Support Services. (This title is much too long for a door name plate, so I assume it’s abbreviated to ASSS.) “We saw the need to move forward quickly to prevent something like that from happening here.”

As if.

This (reacting to an incident) is not necessarilythat (preventing an incident).

So is it just me, or does anybody else detect conflicting messages to teenagers here? The school district wants to surveil them, while the city wants to herd them into an institutional “place they can call their own.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if the schools were actually a place the kids could call their own?

The kids at Braum’s will learn how to become like their fidgety, discomfited grandfather. And the Irving teenagers will learn how to solve problems like their city fathers and school district administrators. Because our attitudes and actions result in consequences, sometimes beyond those we anticipate.

AND FINALLY

I heard a radio commercial today for pre-owned (I prefer “used”) Lexus cars. The voice, presumably a recent purchaser (or “post-pre-owner”) stated, “It’s good for my ego.”

Think about that.

Let’s accept the dictionary definition of “ego” as “the part of the psyche that is conscious, most directly controls thought and behavior, and is most aware of external reality.”  This says our ego “controls thought and behavior.”

Hmmm. I wonder, then … who controls the controller – what controls the ego?

“It’s good for my ego” = “This car helps me control my thought and behavior, and makes me more aware of external reality.”

A car?

Oh, but wait – here’s another part of the definition of ego: “an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”

“It’s good for my ego” = “It’s good for my exaggerated sense of self-importance.”

Okay, finally – truth in advertising!  Yeah, baby …. YEAH!

Moments

November 1997

I just tried to drive in to work. But as I pulled into the parking lot, I was overcome with such emotions that I turned around and came home, realizing that I needed to verbalize something.

About moments.

This weekend I went to San Jose for the wedding of my good friends Liz and Denny. I’ve known Liz since 1983, and worked closely with her during the late ’80s. She served as friend and confidant during my separation/divorce transition, and she was the one who worked on me for a year before I relented to ‘do’ the Forum seminar. I believe I can safely say that, five years later, that experience in December 1992 spawned my life as I now know it, and don’t know it – my circle of friends, my approach to living, my passions – including general-semantics. Etc. I just met Denny less than two years ago, but nevertheless we’ve shared moments as well; last January I visited with him in California on a business trip during the beginning of the end of my brief engagement. He provided a much-needed ear and offered pertinent advice from his own experiences. So as I headed out Friday afternoon, the portent of the weekend lay unstated, but anticipated.

A typewritten article, on faded red construction paper, sits tacked on my bulletin board in front of me. I typed it myself in 1972, after running across it in a magazine. The title – “I’d Pick More Daisies”, with no attributed author. The short, half-page essay began, “If I had my life to live over again, I’d….” Well, let me just share it with you as I read it again:

To some degree, especially in the past five years, I’ve applied this wisdom – I’ve had my share of moments. But I must have missed many past opportunities for moments, and I must want more in the future, because I cannot read over this again without tearing.

Saturday morning I had a moment. My new stepbrother David and his girlfriend Cicely live in the Bay area, as does my good gs bud Scott who works at the Coro center in San Francisco. I drove into San Francisco on a picture-postcard morning – clear, blue sky; warm sunshine with a crisp breeze, windows rolled down, and Billy Joel singing through the tape player:

And she asks me what I’m dreaming
And I realize I must have gone
A million miles away
And I ask her how she knew
To reach out for me at that moment
And she smiles because it’s understood
There are no words to say

It’s all about knowing what someone is feeling
The woman’s got soul
The power of love and the power of healing
This life isn’t fair
It’s gonna get dark, it’s gonna get cold
You’ve got to get tough, but that ain’t enough
It’s all about soul.

While driving, and feeling the wind, hearing the music, screaming out loud the words, drumming on the steering wheel….I had such an epiphany… a high…an impossible-to-verbalize moment of “self-actualization” (Maslow), of “flow” (Csikzentmihaly)…that LIFE IS GOOD! (Miller).

My skin crawled. I felt…ALIVE!

While waiting for David and Cicely near Union Square, I sat at a curbside table near the hotel, and watched the people passing. I overheard two bellhops talking about a Halloween party one attended the night before. He described the best costume – a Marv Albert: a guy with a bad black wig carrying a microphone and wearing a headset, attired in business suit above the waist, black fishnet stockings and high heels below, with a straight man sidekick who would periodically yell, “Hey, Marv, how ’bout a 3-way?” To which ‘Marv’ would respond into the microphone with his trademark “YEEESSSSSSS!”

Another moment? YEEESSSSSSSS!

A terrifically enjoyable sidewalk coffee with David and Cicely. An abbreviated, but still meaningful reunion with Scott and two other Coro trainers. A more harried drive back to Mountain View to get ready for the wedding. The wedding, held at Ralston Hall on the campus of the College of Notre Dame in Belmont, formerly the “country showplace of William Chapman Ralston, founder of the Bank of California.” Put simply, after this wedding, there’s no need for me to attend another. (Except, of course, for Stacy’s.)

At my age, singles at weddings stand out like a red wine stain on a white tablecloth. I was placed at a table next to Liz’s single friend Joan from Philadelphia — I’m certain with malice-aforethought on Liz’s part. Overcoming, or perhaps yielding to, the obvious, we connected, due to a common interest (Myers-Briggs personality typing: we’re both N’s) and a common experience (the Forum) and a common link (Liz). Coincidentally, she and I will both be in New York City next weekend and we’ve made plans to get together. [Well, I, the ‘J’, tried to make plans; she, the ‘P’, resisted and wants to just wait and play it by ear; so we decided that we have a plan, and the plan is to make the plan later in the week.]

Another moment? TBD.

Yesterday morning I got to meet Pete from the gs-lumina listserv. He drove down to Mountain View and we shared a two-hour gs discussion over Starbucks. He said two things which I particularly noted: the notion of “humility” as an aspect of a scientific, or sane, approach or orientation, related to tentatively holding your premises, beliefs, judgments, etc; and the notion of attempting to achieve “complete adequacy”, which, as I contemplate it more and more, seems part and parcel to moments of self-actualization. Coincidentally, Pete studied under Maslow at Brandeis.

Fascinating. To me.

Flew in late last night, gradually decompressing from the go-go-go weekend. This morning I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for work. Before walking out I put on Billy Joel’s “All About Soul”, to put a bounce in my step, to reinvigorate me to re-enter my ‘normal’ life, to vicariously re-live that moment from Saturday morning.

And a strange thing happened.

The ‘same’ song which contributed to that moment Saturday morning triggered something entirely different on Monday morning. It triggered tears, and a release, and another moment of a different realization:

And she smiles because it’s understood
There are no words to say.

The ‘moments’ occur without words. The ‘moments’ come because we bring them, we make them, we manufacture them, many times without intent or purpose or effort. But we prepare ourselves for them, and we put ourselves in positions from which ‘moments’ germinate. And we also avoid putting ourselves in these positions; we avoid the risks and uncertainties which fertilize the seeds of ‘moments’. We talk about these ‘moments’ and sometimes have what we believe to be ‘moments’ as we talk about, or think about, or imagine ‘moments’ to come, or remember ‘moments’ of the past. But these artificial, inorganic ‘moments’ pale in comparison, and preclude our experiencing ‘moments’now. And now. And now. Etc.

It’s all about joy that comes out of sorrow
It’s all about soul
Who’s standing now and who’s standing tomorrow
You’ve got to be hard
Hard as the rock in that old rock ‘n roll
But that’s only part, you know in your heart
It’s all about soul.

(I hope you can overlook the explicit metaphysical imperative.)

I sense a new way to describe what general-semantics is ‘about’ as a result of these ‘moments’: for me, it provides a framework and a method for discovering and analyzing and increasing our ability to continually practice awareness of ourselves and our behaviors and evaluations, such that we tend to better cultivate these gardens of ‘moments’ which surround us, yet which, for the most part, we are oblivious to.

Thanks, Liz, Denny, Trudi, Tomas, Jennifer, Joan, David, Cicely, Scott, Debbie, Alan and Pete. Apologies to the unnamed, but not unappreciated.

Here’s to making moments.

Pity Party Invitation

The “You Damn Right I Got the Blues” Pity Party Invitation

January 21, 1996

Hello, Friend, Acquaintance or Co-worker,

I guess I’ve decided to go ahead with this, so I’d like to invite you to my first, and most likely not last, “You Damn Right I Got The Blues” Pity Party.

You know, it just seems like nowadays there’s so much doom and gloom around. For example, this is leap year, and really, can you just imagine any worse month for them to add another day to? It’s not like congenital cabin fever isn’t bad enough, but to make it another day longer? Puh-leeeze! I don’t know about you but I’m already down low enough to tickle the toes of a caterpillar. I really don’t need the depression of another 24 hours in February. Of all months!

But, say “levee”. So anyway, I just thought that since I was feeling so miserable that maybe you and your other friend might like to join me – like, “misery loves company”. Hah. (Please don’t take that wrong – I’m not saying I love you, man, or anything like that – it’s just a figure of speech.) So bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled mass of pathetic, paunchy, pitiful little sorry ass-pirations for a few hours of attitude adjustment. Won’t that just be sorta nice? Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of wall space to back up to and blend in with while you try to avoid meeting other people.

We’ll have a time of it, all right. There will be lots of ‘bad’ blues music, like Etta James singing about one of your recent love interests: “Your love is like trying to start a fire with a wet match….you won’t EVEN get a spark like that!” I’ll probably have some beer and stuff to eat if you bring it and maybe a margarita machine and karaoke and prizes and ….then again, depending on how I’m feeling, we may just have Tang and stale Fritos, play dominoes and call it a night.

As far as how to dress, you don’t have to worry about dressing up or anything. In fact, I say, “Come as you feel!” Dress depressed, like the rest. Don’t mess with shaving or make-up or any of that junk. Feel free to just wrap up in your house coat, slap on your slippers and don’t even bother taking the curlers out of your hair. I mean, it is a blues party, and really, it’s not AS IF you’re going to, like, impress anybody or anything! Hah. Sunglasses are up to you, but they probably won’t be necessary cause I reckon this group’ll be dimmer than a 40-watt bulb in a Motel 6.

So I guess I would like for you to try and come. Oh, unless I back down again it’ll be February 24th, which is a Saturday and unless I move it’ll be at the Santa Rosa clubhouse in Irving. Where this is is just east of Belt Line Rd, right smack between I-635 and Hwy 114, which is really close to the north entrance to the DF&W Airport. My other friend will be there about 7:30, so you might as well show up and start acting awkward about then. Bring your other friend, and they can bring a friend, and – like they say, “The more, the less miserable!” I hope you’ll come, but I won’t get my hopes up…(sigh)

Steve

(One week later …)
The “You Damn Right I Got The Blues” Pity Party Downdate….
Well, you could’ve figured my luck. Several of my so-called “friends” from Fort Worth decided they’d rather go to an overnight chili cookoff Saturday night with their so-called “Sunday School” class. I mean, I might be a little on the boring side, but I can’t believe somebody would rather watch a crockpot of chili simmer all night than come to one of my parties! So, feel free to bring a crowd so I’ll have fresh faces to sit and stare at.

I ran out of Tang, so I got a keg of Shiner Bock and arranged for a margarita machine. Hope that’s okay with you. And I checked my Fritos bag – I couldn’t quite make out the second digit of the “Don’t Eat After This Date”, but the first number was “8”. So maybe you ought to bring something if you want to eat.

As far as what there is to do … it’ll be pretty much your normal party. Hula hoops, backgammon, Twister, solitaire, dominoes, that sort of thing. Oh, yeah, there’ll be some prizes if I think anybody deserves one – like Humperdink’s logo stuff and giveaway junk that Humperdink’s gaveaway to me which I don’t particularly want. One prize will be for “Most Pitiful”, which won’t necessarily be a costume prize. There might also be prizes for the special “2 Minutes of Hell” karaoke.

Remember: dress depressed!