The “You Damn Right I Got the Blues” Pity Party Invitation
January 21, 1996
Hello, Friend, Acquaintance or Co-worker,
I guess I’ve decided to go ahead with this, so I’d like to invite you to my first, and most likely not last, “You Damn Right I Got The Blues” Pity Party.
You know, it just seems like nowadays there’s so much doom and gloom around. For example, this is leap year, and really, can you just imagine any worse month for them to add another day to? It’s not like congenital cabin fever isn’t bad enough, but to make it another day longer? Puh-leeeze! I don’t know about you but I’m already down low enough to tickle the toes of a caterpillar. I really don’t need the depression of another 24 hours in February. Of all months!
But, say “levee”. So anyway, I just thought that since I was feeling so miserable that maybe you and your other friend might like to join me – like, “misery loves company”. Hah. (Please don’t take that wrong – I’m not saying I love you, man, or anything like that – it’s just a figure of speech.) So bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled mass of pathetic, paunchy, pitiful little sorry ass-pirations for a few hours of attitude adjustment. Won’t that just be sorta nice? Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of wall space to back up to and blend in with while you try to avoid meeting other people.
We’ll have a time of it, all right. There will be lots of ‘bad’ blues music, like Etta James singing about one of your recent love interests: “Your love is like trying to start a fire with a wet match….you won’t EVEN get a spark like that!” I’ll probably have some beer and stuff to eat if you bring it and maybe a margarita machine and karaoke and prizes and ….then again, depending on how I’m feeling, we may just have Tang and stale Fritos, play dominoes and call it a night.
As far as how to dress, you don’t have to worry about dressing up or anything. In fact, I say, “Come as you feel!” Dress depressed, like the rest. Don’t mess with shaving or make-up or any of that junk. Feel free to just wrap up in your house coat, slap on your slippers and don’t even bother taking the curlers out of your hair. I mean, it is a blues party, and really, it’s not AS IF you’re going to, like, impress anybody or anything! Hah. Sunglasses are up to you, but they probably won’t be necessary cause I reckon this group’ll be dimmer than a 40-watt bulb in a Motel 6.
So I guess I would like for you to try and come. Oh, unless I back down again it’ll be February 24th, which is a Saturday and unless I move it’ll be at the Santa Rosa clubhouse in Irving. Where this is is just east of Belt Line Rd, right smack between I-635 and Hwy 114, which is really close to the north entrance to the DF&W Airport. My other friend will be there about 7:30, so you might as well show up and start acting awkward about then. Bring your other friend, and they can bring a friend, and – like they say, “The more, the less miserable!” I hope you’ll come, but I won’t get my hopes up…(sigh)
(One week later …)
The “You Damn Right I Got The Blues” Pity Party Downdate….
Well, you could’ve figured my luck. Several of my so-called “friends” from Fort Worth decided they’d rather go to an overnight chili cookoff Saturday night with their so-called “Sunday School” class. I mean, I might be a little on the boring side, but I can’t believe somebody would rather watch a crockpot of chili simmer all night than come to one of my parties! So, feel free to bring a crowd so I’ll have fresh faces to sit and stare at.
I ran out of Tang, so I got a keg of Shiner Bock and arranged for a margarita machine. Hope that’s okay with you. And I checked my Fritos bag – I couldn’t quite make out the second digit of the “Don’t Eat After This Date”, but the first number was “8”. So maybe you ought to bring something if you want to eat.
As far as what there is to do … it’ll be pretty much your normal party. Hula hoops, backgammon, Twister, solitaire, dominoes, that sort of thing. Oh, yeah, there’ll be some prizes if I think anybody deserves one – like Humperdink’s logo stuff and giveaway junk that Humperdink’s gaveaway to me which I don’t particularly want. One prize will be for “Most Pitiful”, which won’t necessarily be a costume prize. There might also be prizes for the special “2 Minutes of Hell” karaoke.
Remember: dress depressed!